REVENGE!

Every once and awhile, you come along a movie that is so spectacularly full of fail that it is impossible to complete, for you know that the climax will be so maddeningly stupid your brain will revolt, and the next thing you know, you'll be flashing your boobs to random shoppers in the fabric department at Wal-Mart.  Such is Revenge: Blood Cult 2.  I've never seen the first one, and I'm not entirely sure how this movie made it onto my Netflix queue.  I chalk it up to witchcraft; there can be no other answer.

This movie is SO bad, dear reader, SO bad, that in most of the daylight shots, you can see the reflection of the camera lens in the shot.  I searched about as long as I could for a screenshot of this (about five minutes), but I think might be only one of four people who have seen this movie.  It stars Patrick Wayne, John Wayne's son, in a performance so wooden most people don't even qualify it as acting.  He's more like a prop.  As for the villains of the film, one BLATANTLY reads off cue cards as he watches his victims leak ketchup from various holes in their faces.  It's awful.

The plot goes a little something like this: girl cleaves boyfriend in half before jumping from the fire escape of her dorm or whatever, all in front of her father, who is the sheriff.  The sheriff suffers a stroke and goes to live in the loony bin, because that's just what they did in the eighties.  The coroner shows up, gets harassed by some chick from the campus newspaper, and when she reveals how much she knows about these mysterious cult murders, he kills her.

Switch to an old couple out on a farm.  Old guy gets an axe in the face.  Then we're transported to a graveyard via SIDE SWIPE! and it's some other chick standing by a grave.  Patrick Wayne saunters up in a typically eighties suit, and calls the woman a "classy sister" for taking care of their deceased brother's (the kid who got cleaved in the previous movie, apparently) funeral arrangements.  He pretends to be cool for a few lines but fails, and they both leave.  SIDE SWIPE! to another funeral, the old man who got axed in the face.  After the funeral, the coroner and the creep who needs cue cards printed in extra big typeface try to badger her into selling her farm.  She refuses, being full of gumption, thus thwarting their evil plans.

Meanwhile, Patrick Wayne's sister goes to some farm somewhere, where she locks her keys in her car.  She tries to find help from a guy standing outside a silo.  He points at her and she bursts into flame.  No shit.

Patrick Wayne goes on a quest to find the truth behind his brother's death, even though he couldn't be bothered to attend the funeral or show any grief, but that would require more acting talent than God gifted him with.  In one of the most ridiculous scenes in cinema, he goes to visit the sheriff in the mental hospital, where he pretends to be his daughter to exact information from him.  There is nothing creepier than seeing a middle aged man calling another "Daddy."  Nothing.  They don't make alcohol strong enough to forget that.

Eventually, he teams up with the old widow on the farm.  They break into the coroner's house and find all the evidence they need conveniently laid out for them.  The cult wants her land because it's the meeting grounds or something stupid like that, so they booby trap the altar and then--

I turned it off.  I'm sorry.  I wasn't strong enough.  I have failed you.

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