Killer-Baby Double Feature

In case you haven't heard, hold onto your top hat, because they made a remake of It's Alive.  That's right.  Larry Cohen's 1974 horror classic about a mutant killer baby on the loose.  This version stars Bijou Phillips as the mother.

I'm sure she has a movie where she's not a drunken slut, but it's not this one!

Bijou Phillips is a grad student who gets knocked up by some guy.  Her progressive, forward-thinking, (baby fodder) roommate urges her to get an abortion but her mind is made up.  She quits school, moves out to a remote cabin with the baby-daddy and his handicapped little brother.  There's complications and she ends up having the baby a month or two early.  While they're preforming the c-section the baby leaps from her vagina or wherever babies come from onto the throat of the doctor and nurses.  Bijou Phillips sees the whole thing but lies to the police and claims some Puerto Rican guy did it.  Ha, no, but can you imagine?

Anyway, Bijou Phillips isolates herself from her friends and family to take care of the monster baby.  People just keep finding ways to come to her house--doctors, police, psychiatrists.  They all end up getting eaten by the baby.  At some point, you have to imagine that the idea to--oh, I don't know, shut the goddamn door to the baby's room crosses Bijou Phillips' mind, but no.  Eventually her roommate shows up and reminds her that she'd tried to abort the baby using some Chinese herbs she ordered off the internet or some shit, but the little guy just held on in there.  There must be a lot of freak babies roaming around China.

This was in poor taste.

Recognizing that all the baby's murders were, in fact, her fault, Bijou Phillips burns the cabin down with her and the baby inside of it, thus setting women's rights back a handful of years.

In the same week, I watched Grace.  This one is about a pregnant vegan/hippie/former-lesbian who loses her baby in a car crash along with her husband.

Your period waits until you're wearing khakis.

She decides to carry the baby rather than deliver it still-born.  Her mother-in-law, who has a fascination with breast-feeding (stick with me here), all but forces her family doctor down the woman's throat.  Instead of going to a hospital, she chooses to go with a midwife, whom she knows and has some suggestive relationship with.  Eventually she delivers the fetus, which miraculously revives once it's out. She names it Grace.

Immediately, the baby starts attracting flies.  The mother hangs up fly-catchers instead of taking her to a hospital.  Things kind of escalate from there.  The baby refuses the wheat-grass soy-based whatever the mother feeds it, but when she tries breast-feeding, the baby bites her.  This is the only way she can get the baby to eat.

The mother-in-law by this point is insane.  She has a breast pump under her bed and makes use of it.  She's convinced that the mother is a lunatic and tries to catch her screwing up so she can legally take the baby away.  The mother, in the meantime, starts feeding the kid beef's blood, because that's the only rational leap one can take in these situations.  In any case, the baby doesn't take to it and continues to only drink the mother's blood.  The midwife is concerned about her (and it's revealed they were once lovers), but every time the mother tries to call the midwife, the midwife's younger girlfriend intercepts the call.

Shit finally starts to go down.  The mother kills the mother-in-law's doctor and tries to feed his blood to the baby.  No go.  The mother-in-law herself shows up, sees the dead body, and is naturally disturbed.

Kind of like that, yeah.

She shoots the mom or something, and the midwife comes to rescue her.  In any case, the movie ends with the two women--the mother and the midwife--driving an RV across America in bad butch-wigs and cut-off flannel vests.  The kid is like two or three now, and the final shot is of the mom's mangled breast. I think this movie tried to have a point but I can't seem to find it.  I guess--vegans are retarded?

I just don't know anymore.